“Y Ur Brain Iz Stoopid” [SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES I, Q. 1, Art. 5]

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Hey guys. Been a couple of weeks. (Sorry.)

Today we’re diving deep into ontology — that is, the science of being. How can you know what really is? You can’t. You’re trapped in your head. And your head is stupid.

And by the way, if you’re into ontological head-trips, I wrote a novel about that sort of thing. You should buy it. I mean, you owe me that much, right? It’s called OPHELIA, ALIVE, and it’s sort of like Stephen King meets Descartes, with lots of sex jokes and Millennial angst. What’s not to love? Check it out!



This is a stack of three copies of my book. But, just to show you what a swell guy I am, you only have to buy one.

Anyhoo, let’s get started:

I, Q. 1, Art. 5:

Whether Sacred Doctrine Is Nobler than Other Sciences?

This is the moment of truth, you guys: when we find out which science is the best science. We all know that Aquinas is going to tell us that theology is (because, y’know, job security), but personally I’m rooting for interior decorating. Continue reading

“Where My Mars Colony At” [SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES: I, Q. 1, Art. 4]

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Hey guys. Long time no see.

I let this thing slide for a while, because I was pretty busy with the launch of my existential horror novel and my new column at Christianity Today (look at me, I’m famous), but try as I might, I just can’t quit the Summa. The more time I spend online, the more I realize that what the interwebz need now is Aquinas, sweet Aquinas. (Either that, or more self-righteous screaming matches.)


I’m gonna have to Summa the shit out of this.

So let’s get started!

I, Q. 1, Art. 4:

Whether Sacred Doctrine Is a Practical Science?

Continue reading

SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES: coveting asses and splitting hairs [I Q. 1, Art. 3]

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

How is everyone? It’s been a while. Actually, I have several of these posts written, but I’ve been forgetting to post them.

Sorry about that! I’ve just been super busy prepping my novel (Ophelia, Alive! Tell all your friends! Buy 57 copies!) for its impending May 3rd release. Anyway, let’s get to it!


I was totally into Christianity before it went mainstream. Y’know, in the fourth century.

THIRD ARTICLE [I, Q. 1, Art. 3]

Whether Sacred Doctrine is One Science?

Continue reading

SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES: he blinded me with the definition of “science” [I, Q. 1, Art. 2]

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.


I will in a sec, but first, something more important…

Let’s take care of the important stuff first.

Last week, there was a significant backlash agains the very first post in this series because, despite the title, the post (gasp!) DID NOT CONTAIN A SINGLE BUTT JOKE.

While this was technically true (though a Kim Kardashian joke must count for something, right?), I think my readers were a bit too literal-minded with regard to the phrase “butt jokes” in the title of this series. While there will indeed be jokes about literal butts in this series, I tend to think that any sufficiently childish joke is a butt joke in spirit.

But because I know that won’t satisfy the folks in the peanut gallery, let’s get this out of the way:


And so, my friends, we proceed with the Summa‘s first question’s second article (or whatever):

SECOND ARTICLE [I, Q. 1, Art. 2]

Whether Sacred Doctrine Is a Science?

Continue reading

SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES: how we know we know what we know [I Q. 1, Art. 1]

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.


Honestly, that “know” wedge is pretty generously sized

Let’s start with how the Summa’s organized. It’s broken into three large parts: Part I is mostly about God; Part II is mostly about morality; Part III is mostly about Jesus. Each part is broken down into several “questions,” and each question is broken down into several articles (which themselves are actually phrased as actual questions, so that’s kind of weird).

I’ll be looking at an article a week. Each article has a specific structure:

  • a question, followed by
  • several objections to Aquinas’s answer;
  • (sometimes) an “On the Contrary” section, which provides a counterpoint to the objections;
  • Aquinas’s answer, and finally
  • his responses to the objections.

In other words, the objections to the answer come before the answer itself, sort of like when Fox News interviews a Democrat. I’ll break this stuff down piece-by-piece for you. Good? Good.

As a reminder: I’m doing this as a layman, from the English translation of the Summa that I have on hand. Anything I actually get right is purely coincidental.

FIRST ARTICLE [I, Q. 1, Art. 1]:

Whether, besides Philosophy, any Further Doctrine Is Required?

Continue reading

SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES: intro & faq


I can’t take credit for this. Catholic Memes is a funny site, though. You should check it out.

Hi there. I’ve decided to start a new series on my blog!

I know what you’re thinking: Luke? Blogging again? When did this happen? Why did this happen? Hasn’t the world suffered enough???

Answers: yes, yes, just now, why not?, and no.

The truth is, I never really stopped blogging. It’s been nine months, but I never officially quit. I was just waiting for an idea good enough that it was worth doing some unpaid writing for. And I got one. So I’m back.

Maybe you read the weekly column I write for Christ and Pop Culture,LOL Interwebz.” I was working on a recent one the other day, and I gave myself an idea. I wrote:

You gotta go with what sells, which is why I write a column about the Internet and its endless potential for butt jokes, instead of a line-by-line explication of Summa Theologica.

And then I thought: wait, what if someone did write a line-by-line explication of Summa, — BUT WITH ENDLESS BUTT JOKES??? Continue reading

And Now, for No Reason, Here’s a Review of ‘Genesis of the Dead’

hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!!

popular Internet meme

81WqpKoeygL._SL1500_There’s an old xkcd comic where writer Randall Munroe theorizes that the supposedly “random” things that Internet culture finds hilarious — e.g.: pirate zombie ninja monkey penguin!!! etc. — can be explained entirely in terms of metrical feet: every damn one of them is a trochee, which if you slept through English class, is a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed syllable (PI-rate, ZOM-bie, etc.). Ignoring for a moment that probably half the nouns in English are trochees, this actually sort-of makes sense. English is naturally iambic (unstressed-stressed), so reversing this has an “unsettling” effect, and — depending on how they’re handled — unsettling things are either funny or frightening (or both). It’s why Poe wrote “The Raven” in trochees, and it’s why all five lines in a limerick open with trochees. And apparently, it’s why everyone on the Internet thinks pirates and zombies are hilarious.



Given this, it was only a matter of time before my generation — the Lazy, Entitled Millennials™, the first to be raised on the Internet — grew up, started writing books, and started inserting pirates and zombies into them in an attempt to be hilarious. And since there’s already a pirate version of the Bible — one that launched an entire religion, no less — it was inevitable that we would get a zombie Bible as well. The potential should be obvious: think of how different the Bible would be if all the characters were zombies!

Unfortunately, the answer turns out to be: hardly different at all. Continue reading